Sometimes, we ourselves "educate" our children so that they become ill-mannered or annoying. How to break this vicious circle; Top psychotherapist Philippa Perry reveals
When Salvador Dali was still a student, One day he took off and fell with his head on a marble pillar, seriously injuring himself. When asked why he did that, he replied because no one cared. If babies and children do not receive what they need in life, if they do not feel that their environment sees them, unless it is certain that someone will meet their needs, they are likely to be trapped in a perpetual effort to attract attention. These are the kids we usually call annoying…
Excessive attention does not spoils never a baby or a child! If you invest the time he needs at the beginning of his life, giving him a sense of connection and security, the child will internalize this process, he will feel that he can rely on her and gradually he will stop looking for her constantly. Unless the child does not receive this attention, it is likely to stick to a pattern of behavior in which it only feels alive when it provokes one immediate behavioral and emotional response to those around him. A child who gets enough attention will feel safe, he will not be anxious in his relationships, nor will he feel anxious about how he performs in them - he will not feel that he has to go beyond himself and become a victim in order to secure the attention of the people around him. If you do not respond to most of the child's "requests" for attention, these will become more and more intense and, as he grows up, will turn into scandals. Even the negative attention from one parent is better than complete lack of it, because at least then the child feels that his existence concerns you. The child who does not receive the attention he needs is forced to become intrusive and as a result this behavior removes him more from his environment.. When the child is suffering, it is much more difficult to communicate with him and to devote our attention to him. And this is a great pity because then we have to bend over it, to repair the rupture that has been created…
But what can you do?, when your relationship with your child is more like a battle and the only attention it receives from you is negative, while you are constantly irritated when dealing with it;
One of the best solutions is what psychologist James Oliver calls it "Love bombing". James claims that, to reset the child's emotional thermostat (along with your own) you should spend some time with him. Not just quality time, playing or chatting with him, but time with love bombardment. In a period of time that you will define, with beginning and end, you will let the child take all the initiatives, within of course in the context of logic and security. The child will decide what to do and where to do it. You all this time, make sure you show him with all your soul how much you love him and how important he is to you.
You may think that, letting the child make all the decisions and "bathing" it with love and tenderness, approve and encourage all disorder, but this is not the case. This act is the only one capable of overturning negative behavioral patterns which you both have adopted and bring you back to a compatible pace, where everyone in turn will be able to express their feelings. There are no facilities or discounts in this process. You need to show your child the attention he needs!